Sometimes being me just takes a little getting used to.

I've been thrown a curveball and I don't know how to hit it. It has put me into a funk that I can't quite define. It changes the way I look at everything, and how I react to everything. I wouldn't call this funk a depression, it is more about disinterest. I'm not interested in things that I used to be interested in, or maybe I've never been interested, and now I just don't care at all, and don't feel the need to fake interest in these things.

I can't be available for everything every time I'm asked. Just because I don't have plans, doesn't mean I'm at your beck and call. And sometimes no, just means, no. And "I don't want to" doesn't need to be followed by "because." I don't want to is enough of a reason.

I don't want to talk to you on the phone right now - because I'm too busy dealing with my own thoughts.
I don't want to engage you as a friend right now - because I don't like who I am right now, and a first impression of being aloof is a better option than what I could offer you.
I don't want to come to your party/game/lunch date/etc - because I don't want to compare myself to you and yours.
I don't want to talk about your life - because I don't want to talk about my job, my relationship, etc.
And then there is the real biggie.
I don't want to see you - because I don't like you, I haven't liked you. I thought I liked you, or someone implied that I would like you, but we have nothing in common, you drive me crazy and I just don't like you.

The excuses are valid, but hurtful to me and to you. I don't want to needs to become part of my life, and I need to embrace it before others will. I've never been a because I don't want to user, but it is something that I need to do.

Heart Walk

It's short, and to the point

Married women just don't get it.

I don't care if they are 30 or 70, married women don't get how difficult it is to be a single woman.

I get it, you were single once... you went to parties and were the only single one there...you struggled with meeting Mr. Right...............When you were 25.

I, like you, was once 25 and single. All my friends were single. Maybe we had boyfriends, but we weren't married. It was wonderful. It was fun.

At 26 and single, some of my friends were married, but it was still wonderful and fun.

However, if you were married or in a relationship before you were 31, you don't know what it is like to be single and 31. It isn't like what you experienced. You've never been close.

If you think it is so easy to meet someone and fall in love, find someone for me. I would love for you to find someone for me.

But don't pat me on the knee and ask me if I want to see a wedding magazine. Don't ask me if I've tried online dating. Don't suggest the best places to meet a man.

I'm not calling anyone out, so don't be offended, I'm just saying... unless you've been 31 and single, you don't have any idea how hard it is to be 31 and single.

And that's what I'm feeling today.

Double Dating

I think there are serial speed daters in this town. As you know, I speed dated several months ago for charity. I had done it before and didn't like it. I did it in October strictly for the charity and to spend some time with my new volleyball friends. And, as it happened, I met someone.

It didn't work out.

So the guy that puts on the speed dating emailed me last week, and offered me free passes to tonight's event.

First of all, I have very few single girlfriends between the ages of 24-35. The first one I asked declined. Why do you suppose that was. Oh wait, maybe because she's:

a) still married
b) recently laid off
c) living with her parents.

Ok, forgiven.

My other first choice happens to be in CA for the week. Which would have been very interesting since one of the guys we both "dated" after the first speed dating event.

Oh, and that brings me to the point...

There were 3 guys there that were at the L&L event. Three... out of 8.

Jeremy... bachelor Number 2.

I'm sure he's a nice guy. He's just not for me.

Chris... I was going to put yes for him last time. Actually I did... but then one of my friends convinced me not to. So I put yest this time, we'll see what happens.

Mike... didn't put yes last time, didn't put yes this time.

So those 3, a bunch of no's and then one guy that I thought was nice, and my friend that went with me though was nice. However, 2 minutes after the bell rang, he was in the bar with a girl with naturally curly hair. Damn those girls with naturally curly hair.

So one more night of speed dating, and no matches this time. Someday, Someday.

I bruise like a peach...and 700 other little known facts about me.

1. I was convinced last winter that I had leukemia or some other illness that causes bruising, my thighs looked like someone had taken a baseball bat to them. I then realized that it was from shoving the snow blower through the junk at the end of my driveway. Crisis averted.

2. I love Neil Diamond... ok, maybe all of these facts aren't little known, but still.

3. Sometimes I secretly wish a tree would fall on my house so I could get rid of it.

4. I have to write things down. If something needs to be done, I need to put it in a list, or I won't do it. I have a horrible memory.

5. I'm trying online dating again, though I hate the thought of it.

6. I hope the Lowry Ave Bridge never reopens, but if it does I hope they acquire my house to widen the road.

7. If I won the lottery, I could totally go on without working. Those people that say they would get bored are probably boring people. I would love to sleep in, meet my friends for lunch, and stay up late. I should be a socialite.

8. I really don't like cats.

9. I hate being wet, the worst part of my day is right after I get out of the shower, I can't get dried off fast enough. Being by a pool or the lake is different... I guess I hate being naked and wet.

10. If I wasn't concerned about bed sores and muscle atrophy, I could easily spend a weekend (alright, honestly a week) lying in bed watching nothing but Charmed, 90210, Laguna Beach, and The Hills, preferably on DVD so I don't have to fast forward through the commercials.

11. I'm not sure if I've ever been in love. At times in my life I've thought that I've been in love, but looking back, I'm not so sure I ever was.

12. I love ellipses...I use them all the time...

13. After I dropped my phone in the toilet at Metrodome, I never even considered not letting it dry out and using it again.

14. I think 24 is a stupid show.

15. Not Another Teen Movie is my favorite movie of all time.

16. My hair is my natural color, my teeth aren't.

17. Until I was 21 I never lived in a town that didn't start with B.

18. There are 683 more, but I can't remember them all right now... I will.

January 2nd Random Ponderings

I have a lot to say today, so it's going in a hodgepodge.

I heart the Hometown Sweethearts. They are Madison's favorite cover band, and my favorite cover band. I spent New Year's Eve in Arkdale, Wisconsin with some friends in a sweet condo and listening to a great band. The guys are so nice, I wish they played more often, so I could see them more often.

I could get used to work weeks like this one. Two days on, two off, one on, two off? That's kind of perfect. I've gotten more done this morning before 11am than I would have in the last two days combined anyway. Seriously.

I'm a total Drama Queen. But not like you think. My life is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG. I get very excited when someone I know has drama in their life, and I want to know all the details. I'm not "causing drama" or "seeking out drama." I'm just a sucker for a nice dramatic tale, and I'm not getting the fix out of my own life.

I still think it screams desperation, but I got back online for dating. It was a super cheap deal for 3 months, so I'll give it the old college try (that isn't really applicable here, when I was in college the old college try was just talking to Ray and he'd go home with me. Not so difficult, of course I also thought that I would meet someone that I would marry and have babies with while I was in college, maybe I wasted too much time with Ray. Whatever.) ANYWAY... So I paid my $45 dollars and my first match was a guy I used to make out with in college. How's my luck so far. I fast tracked him, and told him that I don't want to date him, but I totally want to go out for drinks with him. Other than that, I've got one guy communicating with me, but my expectations are not high for that one. He won't like me once he meets me.

The Holiday Orphan

I'm the youngest of three, and both of my brothers are married. Growing up, we always celebrated Christmas as a family on Christmas Eve, and then would go to my Grandma's or Aunt's for Christmas Day. Bringing new people into a family brings along their traditions, and we've now established celebrating Christmas early with our family. Being single, I've been told where to be and when to be there. And to be honest, I've always been ok with it.

I'm blessed with great friends who have included me in their family's celebrations. But this year has been very hard. Our family Christmas was cut short due to weather... I committed to my holiday plans late because I was expecting an invitation for either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day from Bachelor #1... in the past, I've had other friends who have appeared to be Holiday Orphans, and this year, I feel like I'm the only one.

The holidays are filled with emotion for all, stress, love, joy all flow from each of us. The weather, the economy and the breakup haven't helped my emotions this season. Yet, I haven't been able to cry about any of it. I even watched The Notebook last weekend hoping for that emotional release, and it never came. Last night, as I was getting ready to head to a friend's for a Christmas party, it came to a head, but since I was running late, I didn't let myself cry.

Being alone is never easy, but it is especially hard this time of year, I look forward to 2009, and though I'll still be alone, the date on the calendar brings hope.